So lately I have been remembering past mistakes I have made. Mistakes I believe were sufficiently resolved are now coming back to haunt me and threatening to overcome me. It started out maybe a year back where I wonder if maybe things weren't resolved. Maybe I am a bad person posing as a good person and because such I will suffer some sort of eternal damnation. Yesterday I was overcome most of the day with anxiety. Specific things brought about the remembrance and I became convinced that things had not been resolved and that I've been doing things in the wrong way because I thought I was a good person but was beginning to believe that my past transgressions were too great and weren't resolved even though proper steps were taken for proper resolution.
I was wondering all day yesterday why is this happening now. Why am I experiencing the same anxiety that threatened to overcome me when I was deciding whether or not to marry Mark. Back then I cam to the conclusion that the anxiety was not a good thing. I truly believe marrying Mark was a good thing and that Satan was doing what he could to me to prevent a good thing from happening. Despite my conclusion with that when a similar feeling of anxiety came back I couldn't immediately rule it as something bad not something from God. Yesterday I prayed a lot that the anxiety would go away yet all day I seemed to feel overcome by it. It was all I could think about and I was in total despair.
In one of my quiet moments a song came to my mind that we have been singing in primary for our primary program. I couldn't remember most of the song but these two parts kept coming to mind, "He speaks to me in quiet ways that fills my soul with peace," "and if I listen with my heart I hear the Savior's voice." I kept trying to remind myself that anxiety is not a way in which the Lord speaks to us. That he speaks to us in quiet ways that fills our souls with peace. And then I tried really listening with my heart and not my mind or my anxiety. It seemed to help for a little bit but after a while I was feeling overcome again. I asked Mark to give me a blessing and he did. The words of the blessing were good ones. As the evening went on I found that I was able to keep myself distracted and not focus on the anxiety and I was able to have a relatively anxiety free evening.
The problem? I felt like I was just distracting myself and that the anxiety was still there. Still waiting for me to start thinking about things and willing me to continue despairing. I went to sleep doing fairly well at not thinking about these things and when I woke up this morning it wasn't the first thing I thought. Though as the morning went on I did find that I was starting to become preoccupied with these thoughts again. Rationally thinking I do believe that I am a good person. I believe that I am not perfect but that I try hard to make good decisions. And that does count. I am truly sorry for my past mistakes and I have no desire to repeat them and that should count, and it does. But then next to my rational thinking comes the anxiety that tells me that I am wrong...confuses me...makes me doubt. How do I know which thing to believe? I know it seems obvious but it's not enough for me to say that I believe this and this makes sense and the anxiety goes away. So I hopped onto lds.org and typed in the search, Satan anxiety. This was the first article that popped up. I read it and for the first time since yesterday I felt good. This article speaks so much of how I feel all the time. There are certain parts that stand out to me but as a whole this article really embodies the feelings I get of worthlessness and despair. Little thoughts that I have thought over the years. Little seeds planted in my mind that I am a bad person. That I am worthless. That I am not as good as anyone else. And those seeds have turned into a more serious problem. I didn't even know those little things were leading to something that would threaten to overcome me. Something that would lead me to despair and want to give up.
But like this article says, these are the truths: "God loves me and rejoices in me because I am his child." "Even though I am not perfect now I have constant access to divine love." And this one especially, "I'm not perfect, but the desires of my heart are good. I can feel inspired to progress." This one too, "No mistake, no personal challenge, no past circumstance is outside the healing and redemptive power of the Atonement."
The last part of the article:
Discerning the Truth about Ourselves
Sometimes
these truths about ourselves and about God seem so wonderful that they
can be difficult to accept. If we do not “resist the spirit of truth” (Alma 30:46)
but instead allow the truths about ourselves and about our relationship
with God to fill our souls, we will experience an increase of joy.
When a stray
thought enters our mind, we can use the Spirit to help us discern
whether it is a true thought from God or possibly a lie planted there by
Satan because “the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore,
it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really
will be” (Jacob 4:13). We can tell a true thought because it will carry with it the sweet fruits of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22).
When we feel
ourselves slipping into the “despair, discouragement, despondency, and
depression” that President Benson described, we can ask ourselves if we
may be holding onto a lie about ourselves or about God. We can seek out
the truth in the words of the scriptures and the living prophets. We can
pray for the ability to discern between truth and error. Empowered by
the truth, we will find the strength to keep Satan at bay and experience
the joy of having “the truth of all things” abide in us (Moses 6:61).
When we feel weighed down by feelings of inadequacy, truths from
modern-day prophets and apostles can help us discard the burdensome—and
sometimes inaccurate—messages we tell ourselves.
Empowered by truth, we can discard inaccurate messages with thoughts that beckon and encourage us onward.
Also expresses how I currently feel. But hopefully with much prayer and discernment I will be able to be empowered by the truth and see the lies for what they are. "...remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.”
Also expresses how I currently feel. But hopefully with much prayer and discernment I will be able to be empowered by the truth and see the lies for what they are. "...remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.”
I know this was really personal and I would appreciate any encouragements or thoughts that relate. Please, if you don't agree with me or if you have a different belief system, don't leave any rude or discouraging comments. This is stuff dealing with my innards and it is most delicate. I would appreciate any prayers on my behalf for I have struggled with this sort of anxiety before and it is most overwhelming. I was hoping it was something I would never have to feel again but alas it is here and threatening to throw me into a pit of despair.
I love the Gospel and I love my Father in Heaven and Jesus and I hope that through them I can overcome this trial of mine. And I thank my husband for all his support. He is wonderful to me and encourages the best from me.
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