Sometimes parenting is just hard. Aside from potty training I think disciplining is the hardest thing about being a parent. Finding the right way to discipline, being consistent with it, not overreacting especially during times where(at least for me) hormones have more of an influence like in pregnancy. Then another child comes and it's a completely different game. You have to find out which ways to discipline them, be consistent with that etc.
This post is prompted by a friends facebook status that asked people whether or not they were ok with spanking. Since spanking is so controversial I don't really want to say much on it except that I was spanked as well as all my siblings and I don't see much proof that it adversely affected us or anyone else I know of that has been spanked. That being said whenever I have spanked my girls it was usually me failing to think before I acted and resulted in me feeling bad about. I don't like to spank and try really hard to give chances before that becomes my course of action. I know I want to work harder on not doing it at all because of how it makes me feel when I have done it and because consistency is important it means that neither me or Mark as the parents should be doing it.
Our problem with Audree is finding the right form of discipline. People seem to be huge advocates of time out and some people think it's the only way to discipline children. With Audree time outs have had a far worse effect than anything else we have tried. One time I decided to really stick to the time out in a chair and it really got to the point where Audree would go to time out 20+ times a day. She reacted in such a way that I hardly knew my child anymore. This wasn't just during time out, it was in every aspect of her life. There were times I thought she was possessed and it scared me. I decided to stop with the time outs and that crazy behavior stopped too. In every form of discipline we have tried since she has never acted that way. I know that time out is not the appropriate form of discipline for Audree.
Arya on the other hand hates being in time out but when it's done she goes on her merry way and it doesn't seem to cause the same sort of mental stress that it caused Audree. Thank goodness for that. I hope time out will continue to be an appropriate form of discipline for Arya because it's been so stressful with Audree trying to find the things she'll respond to.
Mark and I have always been good with the positive reassurance. I love it when Audree makes good decisions and I make sure to let her know. If this alone could prevent bad behavior than life would be just peachy. This however does not prevent bad behavior from Audree.
After the time out fiasco I decided to try taking her to her bedroom and having her do something like time out in there. That seemed to work until I got pregnant and can no longer haul her up the stairs(she isn't very good at going on her own). So I got the idea of doing a thinking corner. She would have to go stand in the corner and think about what she did wrong and when she could tell me what she did wrong she could come out. Well basically it's turned into us forcing her to stay in the corner while she struggles and cries and thus the point of it is completely missed.
For a while we had a button system going pretty smoothly but it was mostly for potty training so when Audree stopped having accidents it stopped becoming a big deal and I've really slacked on the button thing. So these past couple months of being pregnant, uncomfortable, emotional, impatient etc. I have been terribly inconsistent. Lately Audree has started yelling a lot. Even when I am just asking a simple question she'll yell the answer at me. It gets so frustrating and no matter how many times I tell her it's not nice to yell at people she still does it. I'm hoping I'm not completely failing as a mother but I'm thinking this is partially my fault for being inconsistent. This pregnancy I feel like emotionally I just can't handle a lot of things. I rarely put the girls to bed anymore because Arya cries hard and a lot and I just give in don't make her go to bed. I rarely enforce their bedtime because that means dealing with tantrums from them, especially Arya who will still cry for more than an hour when she doesn't want to go to bed. Being pregnant is hard and this pregnancy has really been hard on me emotionally. I don't want to fight the girls so they get way more snacks than I usually let them have.
This isn't really easy to admit but recently it has become very obvious to me that I am being inconsistent and it is affecting all our lives. I don't think I will get better in everything until I am no longer pregnant but after some pondering(on my part as this has been on my mind for a while) and discussing me and Mark have agreed on a system that we hope and pray will work. We want to bring the button system back. I really saw the benefits of it in her potty training. Their button jar is almost full and when it is they get to go to Chuck E Cheese and I am hoping they'll really enjoy themselves and that'll motivate them even more to make more good decisions and less bad. So here it is. First Audree will get 3 strikes for a bad behavior. After 3 strikes she'll have to take a button out of the jar. Every good behavior will result in adding buttons to the jar. Every time the jar is filled it will result in a new adventure to a fun place for them. I don't think Arya quite understands the button in the jar thing but she still likes to participate.
So that's it. Do you guys think it is a good idea? Anybody tried something similar to this before? What methods work for you guys? How do you make sure you are consistent? I know I have a long way to go but I am hoping this will be one step closer in the right direction to appropriately disciplining Audree. I know I am not perfect and I will make mistakes but I read something the other day that basically said that as parents we mess up and we do things we don't want to and we can't change what we did but we can do better next time. Well this is me recognizing my inconsistencies and determining to do better. I hope no one reads this and decides that I am a terrible mom. I really do try hard and I love my girls very much and I want them to grow up happy and healthy knowing how to make good decisions and that when they make bad decisions there are consequences. I am thankful for a Savior that is forgiving of my shortcomings and helps me when I am down. I am also grateful for a supportive spouse that helps me when I lack ie: putting the girls to bed. The past few weeks we have been attending the marriage and family class in our ward and I am grateful for it. I know it will be really good for us as a couple/family as well as for me as an individual. And thank you for all you readers who aren't judging me too harshly and God bless those who can relate to this and help remind me that I am not the only mom out there that isn't perfect.
1 comment:
Discipline is one of the hardest things I think. I try to remain consistent but it's hard sometimes and I know when I was pregnant, it was even worse. I think you're doing a great job with your girls, and we all have troubles sometimes. We just started something similar to your button system. I bought the girls a small jar and some marbles. When they are good they get to put a marble or two in the jar, if they don't listen after a warning, I take one away. It seems to be working so far because they really want that end prize. (A movie in the theater for Kelsey and going to get frozen yogurt for Alea). They usually love earning marbles but sometimes Alea just says, "Just take a marble."
We've been attending the marriage and family class at our ward too, and it really helps me. I'm glad you're enjoying it too!
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